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Olivia
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Okay, so basically, that essay I wrote on Huckleberry Finn at 2 in the morning half asleep.... I got an 85% on. Apparently it was considered a "major assessment". And therefore, it became 40% of my grade, and sky rocketed me from a borderline C to an 88%. HOLY FUCK. I could actually get an A in English Honors II.... which looks really good on your transcripts. Even though it's not weighted, the fact that I take honors courses makes a difference.
Some bad news though... My French teacher offered us up some extra credit like she does every year. Basically, we make posters for a part of the chapters we've studied for review for the class, and she said they would be probably 50 points total. Well, they each totaled only 15 points extra credit, so I only got 30 for doing the max two projects.... I'm a little irritated. I have a 77%. She rounds from 8. So as long as I can boost myself one measly percent on the final, I'm solid. But still.... still.... I HAVE BEEN BLATANTLY LIED TO. Oh well.
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Yesterday while driving home from Lakewood, I saw a billboard that read, Cremation. "It just makes sense."
Well I don't see any sense in that billboard. It's probably the dumbest thing I've seen thus far. It was an advertisement. I wouldn't care if it was just an ad, but why do they have to put a stupid fucking saying like that in quotes? It's one of those things that's so incredibly stupid it just pisses you off.
Current Music: |
The Bird And The Bee - Polite Dance Song | |
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I'm really concerned about my cat. I sort of think she's getting close to "her time". We're not sure how old she is, but we got her when I was 8. The Dumb Friends League told us she was 8, but the vet said a while ago that she would be too young to have the health problems she has now that come with old age, and estimate she's a couple years older than they told us. Which is understandable. Not many people adopt older cats, so I get why they lied, Carmen needed a home. But she's probably about 17 or 18 now according to the vet.
She has arthritis very badly. She used to be able to get on the counter tops, would drink the water out of our glasses and flower vases, and walk on the mantle above the fireplace, something not even a human could do. It's very high up, and we have a chair next to it. Our mantle is huge. It's indented in the wall. Two 5 foot people could easily lie flat and then still have some room. She used to be very agile, and would spend a lot of time up there, but now she can't even jump up on the couch without having both front paws on it first. And even then it's still a struggle. She's been getting steroid shots for a couple years now, and that used to fix the problem completely but it's not helping at all anymore.
She's been worrying me for a while now. First of all, she has recently been overly friendly. She acts like she's senile. Her normal behavior, is VERY shy, very hidden, very reserved when people from the outside are over. The way it used to be, was that some people didn't even believe we had a cat because she hid from everyone. Nobody ever saw her. Even Devan believed that for a while. He didn't see my cat or interact with her up until a few weeks ago on Thanksgiving. When he came, she was sitting on the couch with my mom. He walked over, and started petting her and immediately she started purring, and even let him rub her belly, which is something most cats don't let people do anyways, let alone strangers.... She rubbed her head all over him, and was very affectionate. She then later walked off very confused.... This could just be her old age, but she's never done this before with anyone.
She's been acting more and more strange. Last night, while I was up at ungodly hours, she was sleeping on the couch next to me, and I noticed that her breathing was different.... I've never really been around her much while she's in a deep sleep. I've napped with her, but she was really sleeping and she was wheezing terribly loudly. A couple of times, the wheeze would stop (I'm assuming this was where she stopped breathing) and then she would start breathing again.
Just today, I invited her to come sit on my lap with me while I was sitting on the chair, and as she was trying to get up, her hips twisted and she slipped and fell. She didn't hit her head, but she sure did hurt her legs. She cried a bit, so I picked her up and comforted her for a bit. A couple hours later, I tried cuddling with her again, and when I tried to touch her head she cried out and pulled away. I thought maybe it was just a sensitive spot so I moved a little further down, but she won't let me touch her head.... at all. Like I said, I've been supervising her all night and she hasn't hit her head.
Aside from all that, she's just been acting strangely over the past couple of months. Her behavior is a bit strange, like she'll do things like randomly lick my toe just once and then look up at me to see if I noticed. And then walk off. She's never been a licker. It's weird. Maybe I'm just overreacting, but this behavior is very concerning to me.
I'm afraid she's getting close to death. If she's really in pain or if there's something very wrong with her, no matter how hard it is, I'm going to have to deal with it or put her down when the time is right. But it doesn't mean I'm ready for it. She's my best friend, and I really don't want to lose her now. Or ever. All pets die eventually.... I was five when Chloe and Delilah (my first cats) passed away. I didn't really understand it. But after having Carmen by my side for 7 years, the thought of losing her is unbearable. It makes me cry just thinking about it.
I'm hoping all of this is just old age and she's just a little weird because she's elderly. I'm taking her to the vet on Saturday or Sunday. For her sake: I hope she's in no pain and is totally normal, disease free, etc. Healthy. For my sake: I can't have my cat on her death bed (or know she's extremely close), a few days before exams. I need to pass. Knowing that my girl is suffering isn't going to go over well.
I wish there was a WebMD for cats.... So I could do the symptom checker and have an idea of what's going on.
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"You can speed it up, you can slow it down, you can even freeze a moment. But you can't be one in time. You can't undo what is done. I thought about what she'd seen. I thought about what she hadn't seen. I thought about how I could explain. But the more I thought about it the more I knew nothing I could say could make her anger go away. How long could I just wait there, delaying the inevitable? I had sat there with the world on pause for two days and still no solution had come. I thought about the night at the spot center when I had seen a person move when time was frozen. If other people could move within the frozen world, then maybe it was something I could bring Sharon in on. It was the best I could come up with. I had forgotten how fast everything was moving." - Ben Willis (Sean Biggerstaff). Cashback
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MUST. STAY. AWAKE. AT. ALL. COSTS.
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This is not official yet.
However, today, after much deliberation, I have realized that I will probably be pulling all nighters for the next ten days, as a result of finals. There is just too much shit to do. I don't have time. And the first logical elimination I have made in my schedule is obviously sleep.... next will probably be showers, so let's hope for the rest of your sakes that I have enough hours after taking away my sleep time.
I have prepared myself with an abundance of coffee and rice krispie treats. If that plan fails, I'll be on the lookout for adderall... so please do not hesitate to refill any prescriptions.
I may or may not come out of this alive. In the event that I do not, this is my goodbye. Most likely, one of several.
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Yael Naim is the best.
New Soul really is a good description of what my life has been really for the past year or so. Well, a comparison of what it WAS, or how I was, compared to what I'm becoming now.
Current Music: |
Yael Naim - New Soul | |
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Today was the best day ever. It was quiet, just the two of us, which is what I really wanted. Devan basically told his friends no, and I'm very happy because he did it all on his own, I didn't have to tell him to tell them that. He reacted to my feelings, which is big because he hardly ever does that.
We went to Paris on the Platte, which he loves, because they have a smoking section. And I love because they have the BEST coffee. And the waitresses are so nice. Paris just has a great atmosphere, it really stimulates conversation, and it's peaceful and homey.
We didn't go to our special spot, because it was like, 15 degrees outside and we were fucking cold. But that's okay, we can go there another time. Then we went back to his grandma's house, and just spent time together which is always nice. We blasted zombies on Resident Evil 4?
I guess we didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Which I don't mind. I'd rather it be that way. I like going out, but I didn't think it was right to go out for a fancy dinner or do anything expensive. Even though it was our anniversary, I wanted us to do what we do day to day. I mean, how special is an anniversary really if you're out of your element the whole time?
We really did have a fantastic time together, even though it was such a "normal" day, it was a little bit more special.
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Today in French class I sort of walked in on a discussion between a few of my friends. All I saw was Emmy trying to lick her elbow... And then Cody tried. And then Cody and I bonded some more over the fact that we can both touch our tongues to the tip of our noses. I've never met anyone else that can do that.
After I watched them trying and failing to lick their own elbows for a while, I decided to try. I succeeded.
So there, I can lick my elbow. I feel sort of important today, because no one else could do it, and everyone was either shocked or delighted to watch me do it. My science teacher was pretty interested, and Mr. Wink enjoyed it too.
Everyone thinks I'm pretty cool for being able to do that.
I knew it wasn't impossible before, but now the myth is OFFICIALLY busted.
Current Music: |
Florence and the Machine - Kiss With A Fist | |
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Today I started wondering why that whenever I'm upset about something my "parents" have done, I'm upset with my father. Because he never actually does anything. My mom essentially makes all decisions regarding discipline in this household, my dad just handles the money.
Next time I'm upset with something, I'll just say I'm mad at my mother, because my poor dad really has no part in any of my punishments. He just plays follow the leader. It's sad. He's so trapped.
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It seems like everytime I turn on 9News, I end up in the middle of the entertainment stories, or the sports. What, does Colorado have NOTHING interesting going on anymore?
What's even worse, is that our news stations are somewhat conservative. 9News is the least biased, that I've watched. And even if there are other news stations here that are slightly unbiased one way or the other, I probably wouldn't watch them because 9News is the most visually stimulating.
I'm so sick of Balloon boy. I never cared about balloon boy.... his parents are obviously really mentally unstable, that's it. THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO IT THAN THAT. Balloon boy wasn't even news to begin with. The news is just pissed now, because they spent hours and hours covering it until they found out it was a hoax, so they're embarrassed and that's why they feel that they have to spend every waking moment talking about the boy who was in the box in his attic.... and not in the balloon.
They should have figured out that it was a hoax to begin with. First of all, what kind of normal people make over sized helium balloons with a compartment for a person.... Second of all, I doubt an over sized helium balloon could have withstood the weight of a 6 year old boy.
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WHY ARE THE WRITERS BLOCKS SO BAD LATELY?! |
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Everything is negative.
I just want to throw a big fat "I told you so" in my mom's face.
No one ever listens to me around here, jesus. "I'm not doing drugs mom" might not necessarily always be the truth in some households but this time I actually meant it haha.
By the way, someone tell me why I'm listening to Lady Gaga. I think it's because I've been writing a paper all day and I need something generic and poppy to get me out of the mode.... Oh well, I like it now. I'll regret it in the morning.
Current Music: |
Lady Gaga - Alejandro | |
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:O
So beautiful. I look at them all the time. And I'm not even the kind of person that wants to get married ASAP, they're just distracting in a time like this, and I enjoy them. Sadly, I have never been to a wedding so I've never seen one IRL.
When I get married someday, I want to call up Kenley from Project Runway and get her to make me one of these babies: http://www.trendhunter.com/images/phpthumbnails/27050_1_468.jpeg
Feathers and tulle have a place in the world.... they belong on me.
I like the weird ones.
Current Music: |
Death Cab for Cutie - Amputations | |
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I will admit, one of the most nerve wracking I've ever had. Don't blame me. It was the first time I ever had a boyfriend over for the holidays and I wasn't sure what my parents were exactly going to do. Break out the childhood stories, or grill him. But thankfully they didn't do either. Well my mom told the story of how I cried when my dad shaved off his beard when I was 1 because I didn't recognize him but I'm okay with that one.
I really had a good time though. Devan has never had a homemade thanksgiving before, and my mom is an awesome cook so I was glad he got to have that. And I just generally like having the whole family like that, plus Devan. It's comfortable. And I like when we all get a chance to talk like that and be together. I hope we can do it again, I would do it again.
I think my parents really got to see a different side of Devan, and he got to see a different side of them. For them, Devan was more exposed and vulnerable, in a good way. For him, he got to see my parents laughing about dumb things and be warm. They don't get the chance to show that side, and I'm glad he got to see it tonight. I want Devan to spend more family time with us, and I was afraid that would never happen if he never got to experience the more human side of my parents ever since they found out about our scandalous life....
We watched a couple movies at my house before dinner since NOTHING IS OPEN. Year One and Boy A. Year One was not what I expected and Boy A was depressing. Yet very good. After dinner we went to see 2012. Another very sad movie. But the effects were unreal. So good. A lot of thought was put into it, I thought some of it was a little far fetched, but otherwise well done. Wait a minute.... today Devan and I sat through THREE movies without getting bored and fidgeting or fooling around. Golf claaaaaps.
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ONLY SOMETIMES.
"JESUS CHRIST, FUUUAAAHHHCCCKKKK! OLIVIA COME OVER HERE".
"What did you do this time...."
"I just cut my hand on the blender trying to chop up walnuts"!
"Well mother. Maybe next time we don't stick our fingers in the blender while it's on. Christ. Read up on your blender physics. WHILE IT IS ON, THE BLADE IS PROBABLY MOVING".
"Go to your room, but before you do that, get your father to bring me a band aid".
I was not being disrespectful to my dear old mother, I was just making fun of her, like she makes fun of me. Every day.
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This morning I was awoken very rudely from a terrible dream.
Part of it had to do with the game monopoly.... but that wasn't the bad part.
I was in this house, at a very fancy party, not sure whose, with my friend Solveig. I was wearing Devan's necklace, the one that he made me. In front of me standing is a group of girls, who are I guess really popular and well known at my school. You know those ones, the fucking blonde ones who think they're the best things ever and like to make fun of everyone outside of their friend group especially me? Yeah. Anyways. One of them completely interrupts the conversation I was having with Solveig, looks at my necklace and asks "Olivia, do you REALLY think you're in love? Aren't you a little young for that"? I respond, "Of course, I've never doubted it, we've been dating for almost a year now, I think the feelings would have come out by now....". She responds "Haha okay, well I guess we'll wait until marriage right"? In this really snotty way.
And then I woke up, all upset in an annoyed way. I spent like two hours lying in bed thinking of better things to say to this girl, who actually bothers me with questions designed to provoke me in real life..... I thought about the kinds of people they were. These girls are not the girls who understand relationships. I don't really understand fully the mechanics of a relationship either, I'm 15. But I think when you feel it, you feel it, and that's what matters. These girls are the kind of girls who have never had a serious relationship in high school, nor desire one. I've noticed that's a trend among the popular group. I think they all end up fucking eachother anyways, but no one really seeks an overall connection to last....
And then I asked myself why I always feel the need to come up with a thoughtful response in a kind tone to this girl.... is it because I don't want to start a fight? Because I know she only talks to me to piss me off. Haha, even in my dreams.
I don't need to give this girl my time, my energy, or my thought. More importantly, my consideration. She's a bitch on purpose.
I shouldn't even be giving her a response, it should be more like a "fuck you" instead of a "well yes of course, at least I think". That's weak! What's wrong with me.
The next dream she's in, I'm just going to push her.
Current Music: |
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Phenomena | |
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Sunny Delight is the nectar of god.
Enough said.
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What is it with me always getting sick. Really bad. I have the flu. Again, second time around. It sucks. I feel like I want to curl up and die. I guess I shouldn't complain, it's my fault, I could have gotten a flu shot, but I don't want to end up like this girl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URHhyP4lmQ4
Not likely, but no chances here. It's kind of pointless, I might as well get it now while I'm young and build up my immune system so when I'm older hopefully sickness won't affect me as much.
Still, it's not fair how I'm always the one in my family who picks up every common cold, and then my body treats it like it's at deaths door. I have the worst immune system EVER.
I'm sad about Thanksgiving. I want to be better by then since Devan is coming. It would be really awkward for him if he had to sit with my entire family while I was like up in my room being all sick. I want him to be able to come, even at all. It would make me really sad if he couldn't because his family is out of town and then he wouldn't have anywhere to go for thanksgiving!
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Ever since I had my most recent meeting with my school counselor, I've been questioning what my life is really going to turn out like. How I'm going to be living, and how I'm possibly going to be happy.
And I know what you're thinking, you're a sophomore in high school, you shouldn't be thinking about this now. But I should. Because soon enough I'll be applying to colleges, and figuring out what the fuck I could possibly major in. I can't afford to change it five times once I'm there, I want to be in and out, I refuse to pay for an extra year of college just because I didn't think or stress.
I know what kind of lifestyle I want, but I have no idea how I'm going to support it... Devan and I have plans, and it's kind of up to me to follow through here because of two things. Number one: Devan isn't ever going to have an "occupation". Job, yes. Career, no. It's not because he's a slacker, it's because the world sucks, and it can't cater to people with creative needs, if that's even a good way to put it. Number two: If I'm left alone, I need some money dude. I can't depend on a man. Not really my style.
I've never thought money=happiness, or that it would do me any good at all if that's all my life revolved around. But I have no idea how I'm going to be a happy person if I can't give my family what they need, or have some luxuries. I don't want to just "get by" either. I need some way to provide for everything, but I can't have an all consuming job either, because even if it makes a nice living, it completely defeats the purpose of what I want. I won't have any time. I'll have money, but no time.
I know that I'll never be a doctor, or an executive, or any of those things, because that's not even close to what I want to do. I want to have an interesting, creative, happy job. Like, a teacher. Or something like that. But teachers don't make a lot of money. Not enough money for how I want to live. Or enough money for how I want to provide for my family. I hate seeing those families who can't give their kids the simplest things.... like extras. Because they can just barely support themselves. And I'm so afraid I'll be that person.
I guess I'll just have to face it, and give up a lot of the luxuries. As much as I want to have a nice money cushion, I can't if I want to have day to day happiness and enjoy my job.
But I still can't tell which ones better: having a life full of nice things, but being bored or unhappy at work. Or only making an average amount of money but still have time for my child and husband and a little bit of luxury.
I guess I pick the second one. Because no one's happy in the end even if they have nice things if they never see their mom or their wife.
Meh.
Current Music: |
M83 - Couleurs | |
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oliviaxiv's journal